So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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