I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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