to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
