You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
