if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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