Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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