i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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