Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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