Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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