even my farts smell like vagina
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
