Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
