I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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