i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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