So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
