Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
