I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
