Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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