I heard we made out
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
