i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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