I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
