My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
is it fun? or sober?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
