I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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