I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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