They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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