I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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