I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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