i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
