mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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