I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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