Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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