according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
