Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
