Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
