you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
