God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
