Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
