I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
