you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
