2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
