he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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