If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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