my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
