first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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