Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
