i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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