Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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