Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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