the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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