My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
