I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
