JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
