I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
