I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
