Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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