I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
