I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize