You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize